Health status update and some insights that are working for me

It has been about 10 weeks now since I fell ill. A lot has happened in that time and it has mostly been wonderful. For whatever reason, we have been able to see my illness as a blessing and used it to refocus on the simple but important things in life. Oddly enough they are generally the things that fill a great amount of the immediate time and space that surrounds our life. Family, close friends, pets, comfort food, sunrises, sunsets, time spent on positive projects, early morning walks, the feeling of the ground beneath your feet, cold air on your face, the smell of a baby, the laughter of a toddler. Not since college have I taken the time to really focus on being better and healthier like I have recently and back then it was a very thin approach focused at broad based learning and physical strength. Since becoming ill, I have taken a much more complete approach at getting physically, mentally and spiritually healthy. My internal dialogue has never been so positive or reinforcing.  I am able to see the positive in almost anything. I am able to stay present or regain presence easily in most situations. I make healthier more conscious decisions, and more consistently. I spend time on my physical health but have been forced to refocus on the simple basic things like stretching, yoga and meditation. I am assessing what does and does not make me happy, what is avoidable and what is unavoidable and how to accept the unavoidable knowing that I am doing everything I can do.

I just got a call from the Rehab co-coordinator and they have granted me two more weeks with my Rehab without Walls – where they come to the house for therapy. This is great news for getting back on track before transitioning to outpatient therapy.  I have slid backwards since the birth of the baby, but the good news was that I started to get a bit of a cold and I was able to fight it off, even with the tremendous lack of rest. Our families have been awesome and Jennifer’s parents are still with us and have been so helpful. My ability to walk is greatly reduced as I fatigue and I have had to use the cane most days at some point over the past week. There have been nights were there was only 3-4 hours of sleep and prior to this my body has been requiring 12 hours of sleep each day. The most prevailing symptom is fatigue, without a doubt. It is very obvious how focus, positive mentality, and consciousness or presence is all much more difficult to manage when you don’t have enough rest.

I am using today, Monday morning, as a time to refocus, get back to some simple short term goal setting and try to not lose any more ground this week. After that I can get focused on regaining the recent loses. I am walking and functioning around the house pretty well, I have to take breaks and try to find some time to get horizontal and rest even if it isn’t napping. I can help out around the house a fair bit and can play with Wyatt pretty normally but I have to watch to not burn up to much energy in one blast, it made me sick the other night after a good wrestling session but it was worth It! I can cook a full big meal and do simple grocery shopping, take care of the dog (but Grandpa Doug has been doing a great job of that), and I can help with the baby by changing diapers and getting Jennifer what she needs around the house. I am able to run to the store and drive to the mall but have learned that the commotion and amount of energy required by a full trip out on my own is probably a little too much still and I have to be careful and make good decisions or I pay for it.

All in all things are very good and I am so grateful for the health that I have, the lessons I continue to learn and the health and happiness of Jennifer, Wyatt and our newest addition, Olivia. Life is good and only getting better each day.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. How could anything get you down when you have this in your life (see picture below)

JM

All coming together - Part 1

I have been spending a lot of time analyzing and meditating about new habits vs. old habits, on healthy habits vs. less healthy habits. I keep returning to the reality that we all live in relatively set patterns. Patterns or paradigms that we create and that over time become more and more engrained. We often recognize these but rarely do we accept the responsibility for why they are what they are. We have a tendency to make excuses or blame other forces for why we live the way that we live. To rarely we use sentences that include “(something) is the way it is because I choose it to be” or “(something) happened as a result of the choices that I made”. Instead we say things like “(so and so) did this and so it turned out poorly” or “this keeps happening because of my boss or my co workers”. How often do we really honestly, and I think that honesty is the real key here, assess what our role is in our own life? If we are unhappy unsuccessful, coming up short or repeatedly doing something we are not proud of, who is responsible? I would dare to say that when things work out well, we are much more inclined to take credit then when things turn out poorly. Excuse making and the language that we use in both our internal and external dialogue are a different topic that I have spent a lot of time on recently but today I would like to discuss our roles in shaping our reality.

I will try to make this as much about me as possible. I think it is integral that we truly desire to change our paradigm if it is to have any chance of changing. You, reading this, may be very happy with your situation or life, or might not be in the right head space to desire to stop and think about it, so I will focus on me and you can take from it what you like.  I want to change my ways of doing things. I want to cut out some of the old unhealthy thoughts, actions, phrases, people, etc that contributed to my being less than optimally healthy and successful. I do not blame anyone or anything for my health or well being. It is nobody else’s responsibility to make or keep me happy and healthy, it is entirely my own. I make choices everyday, all day, that shape my existence and create my reality.

I would suggest that making decisions to repeat behavior is easier than making the decision to eliminate a bad behavior. That the potential pain of making a change often seems greater than the downside attached to repeating a poor behavior, this may not be true, but it is our measurement of it that matters and therefore our own responsibility. If I return to a previous topic about pleasure seeking and pain avoidance, this aligns very well, we view the old pattern as less painful even though that is likely to be untrue. It is the process of changing that we view as the truly painful part. It is no secret that we typically resist change. Even though the something off in the future looks and smells and likely is better and healthier, that uncomfortable road of changing might not seem to be worth it.

I feel like a lot of what I have been thinking about has suddenly come together and I see clearly how it all interacts.

We may or may not want to change. If we do, we then have decide that we want it badly enough to actually outline what that change looks and feels like, and measure it as being worthwhile enough to explore. If we decide to venture down the road of change, we are then open to that experience being uncomfortable and therefore we might stop and decide it is too much, and return back to the old habit because we could not handle the discomfort. This is very key because if we take the time to be honest about this, we can better prepare ourselves for this uncomfortable period. We can say to ourselves “This time of change will be uncomfortable but it will be worth it”, “Once I take that leap there should be no looking back” etc etc. after all once you have made the leap the worst is usually over and you’ll have to re endure the discomfort again if you ever decide to try it again.  (I know this is getting long but I need to keep rolling here while it’s flowing out). If we are on the road to change, and we know it is going to be difficult, what tools could we take with us to help us through what are prepared to be difficult? We could take people that will inspire us? A written page that outlines the goal we are trying to reach and in such a wonderful honest way that we would endure any difficulty to attain it. We could vilify the old habit or pattern as so negative that we would never dare repeat it again. Maybe we should do a little of each of these.

I am on the road to change right now. I am glad and lucky to be on it but I am noticing old behaviors that desperately want to sneak back in. It is uncomfortable at times. I feel the ghosts of old habits calling from behind me telling me how easy it was to be that way and that it “wasn’t so bad anyways”. I find situations that create a certain smell in my nose or feeling in my body that I relate to comfort and it would be so easy to just stop moving ahead and just relax and enjoy easy and comfortable. There is nobody off in the distance saying, we are already here and it is awesome, keep working, you can do it. These are my goals so how could anyone else be there already? I need to be so sure that I want to be better and happier that my motivation is enough on its own. I need to make those old patterns of living unacceptable and be absolute. I realize now that discipline is everything when you’re on the road to a change. Honesty is a requirement to real change. Devotion to your becoming better and reaching your goals is a necessity. Anything short of these things will open the door to failure, allow the old demons in and begin a pattern of failure that will make you more likely to second guess yourself and less likely to try again each time you fail. This is what I am learning and becoming more sure of. It is a big topic for me and I have gone on quite a bit for one day so I’ll stop and make this part 1 and complete my thoughts after some more meditation.

Thank you all for reading and supporting me on the journey that I am on.

JM

Time to blow the top off... Revisiting goal setting

Blow the Top Off…. Revisiting Goal Setting


As a part of my recovery I have been very purposefully reevaluating aspects of my life and deciding which areas are healthy and which areas are not. It is not any one aspect of my life that lead to my illness, more that being ill has lead me to want to be healthier than ever. The more that I do this, the more I realize that I have steered away from a key personal goal of mine. I chart my goals in a top-down format and I have always made a conscious decision to ask myself first, “Will this make the word a better place?” What I am realizing is that many aspects of my life were not working toward that goal. Some areas were, but not in a truly meaningful way. I am generally happy, understanding, and positive. I try to be a good friend and offer my help in any way that I can and as often as possible. What has been missing is a life project that that aims at literally making the world a better place – more specifically, helping the people in it to be happier people overall. I don’t need to preach or presume that I know better but I know that I can always strive to be better and in turn, aim to lead by example. I need to create a life that; fills me with pride, allows me to sleep well at night, makes me happy when I look in the mirror, makes my children want to look up to me, and makes the people around me happier and healthier.

I work hard to be a leader, I always have. I also work hard to be a good friend, family member, father and husband. I know that I can be even better. To fulfill this, I need to consistently, on a daily basis, ask myself, “Have I been leading by example?” “Am I surrounding myself with the people and things that will foster more goodness in the world?” The answer is not a resounding yes, unfortunately it is a sometimes. But, I am still growing and all that truly matters is that I know that I am capable of this, and am making the effort. I will stop settling for less. I will stop letting other peoples language or excuse making become my own and I will not allow others to place a ceiling on my goal setting. I decide what is good enough for me. Average is only good enough if my goal is to be average. I am capable of much more than that. I cannot continue to just play well enough to win. I am capable of being a champion in all that I do. Thank you to the sports world for teaching me how to be a champion. It is time to apply that lesson to life. It is time to set my goals as lofty as they need be and eliminate the ceilings that I have built over my own head. It starts now.


Make the world a better place.

Help others who are seeking happiness to reach their potential.

Start with yourself.

Don’t lead with your left, lead with your heart.



JM

Today’s Horoscope and an Update…

“Your next steps should be focused on long-term gain not short-term reward.

Lots of back-and-forth will be going on today -- sharing ideas has taken a front seat in your life, and it's rewarding to find yourself in such accord with so many people you respect. Another rewarding aspect of all these discussions is that they remind you of what you believe and what governs your life. You'll find these convictions to be strengthened over the next few days. Listen to opposing viewpoints with objectivity -- above all else, do not judge others!”

So my horoscope has been eerily poignant lately. Like a good fortune cookie, the semi-ambiguity of them allows me plenty of room for interpretation. Today’s horoscope however, seemed particularly fitting. In any case – it’s always good to give your mind some perspective!

As for an update….

• ·          I am walking very well in short bursts, but my endurance is limited and after a long day, my gait becomes pretty sad and very slow. Glad to be able to move around as much as I can though.
• ·          Unfortunately, for the most part I have been in constant pain – around a level 3-4 out of 10 at most times and this nasty headache seeps into my life most days as well.
• ·          Had a two-hour massage this week (Thanks Najet!) and it was awesome – first time since September 19^th that my pain was a 0/10 and it lasted 4 hours – did I mention awesome?!
• ·          Able to do about 50-60% of my normal activity in my home environment but I, and likely anyone would, greatly underestimated how tiring it is just to do the “normal” things.
• ·          Learned that resting does not include: getting up off my butt, going to the fridge, playing with Wyatt, taking Jackson for a pee, moving a box around the bedroom. A requirement of resting = getting horizontal.
• ·        Fatigue seems to be an ever-present aspect of this and you might even detect it a bit in my tone today. I apologize, I feel it’s important to be honest with myself and others, but also trying hard to stay positive.
• ·        Stretching is tiring as hell but feels great.
• ·        I might be able to drive a car in 6-8 weeks? I hope?
• ·        Have started to do some work again for STX – just a very little but it feels good and I miss it. I received a wonderful card in the mail yesterday from a great man that I work for and was reminded that I am very fortunate to have a second family, rooting for me in Baltimore. They have been more than supportive and It reconfirmed why I starting working there almost six years ago.
• ·        Jennifer is 4.5 weeks away from our scheduled C-section delivery of Olivia James. She is doing really well. She’s tired and all of the normal stuff that goes along with being pregnant, including being sick of getting kicked in the ribs, but looks beautiful and thank you all for your concern about her and the new baby as well
• ·        Went to Wyatt’s first-ever lacrosse practice with Coach Shaydon and his buddies: JD, Taylor, Dylan, Evan and Lauren. Cutest thing I ever did see – I’ll post some video ASAP

I think that is about it. I continue to receive 16 hours a week of therapy and it is at a slow but steady pace. I am beginning to accept the long-term nature of this kind of rehab, and am focusing mostly on getting as normal as possible by the time the new baby arrives.

I am grateful and thankful for my health, my family, my therapy, all of your support and a million other things. I am finding it is worth saying as often as possible to help me stay in the right frame of mind.

Have a great weekend,

Jim Moss

November 19^th, 2009

It’s been a month… A month that was a blessing.

Holy crap – now that I say it, I’m realizing that it was a month ago that I said “I think I’m finally getting over this flu” and then WHAM! the Universe saw an opportunity to sucker-punch me with a lesson to the mid-section.

Earlier this morning, I read a profile post on Facebook that got me thinking. A good friend of mine wrote, “great to see my buddy up and walking around at my son’s POP Warner football game” (which they won 27-0 so good work Lucas) but what made me think was my response: “Now to work on running as fast as those kids!” I realized, that was something I could do a month ago today. What got me thinking was, is that really what is motivating me right now?

When we are kids we are so carefree. We can run and play all day without worry. We can make mistakes without heavy consequences. That’s what we are supposed to do. That’s how we learn at that age. The other thing that occurred to me was that maybe running that fast isn’t what I am supposed to be doing right now? Maybe what I needed was to slow down and to learn some lessons and take a different, more purposeful or meaningful look at whom I am, who I want to be and where I am headed. There is the chance that I would find I was happy with the current me and that would be fine. At least I stopped to check in. Potentially, I’ll find I am not on the “right track”. Maybe I need to identify the problem areas and find a back-road to get me closer to where I would rather be. I suppose that this is what I am doing right now and this blog is part of that process. Thanks for hearing me out. I’m learning as I go.

As I look back on my childhood, I feel that I made many of my mistakes because I was going too fast and didn’t stop to think. I didn’t make a habit of slowing down to make good decisions. I was always on the go –

• · racing out the door to school – forgot my lunch - went hungry or had to borrow... again
• · racing in from playing – got to run to hockey – race out the door – forgot my stick or skates
• · caught up in verbal sparring at school – “won” – regretted what I said later - hurt someone's feelings
• · ripped through my homework so I could go out and play – did a spotty job - bad grade - disappointed

I suppose that we have so much to learn that we can only learn so much at any one time! At that age some of the lessons have to be put off until later. We have to amass the experience in life to really see how some of the lessons apply before we can ever be in the correct frame of mind to make another step forward.

As for the slowing down a bit part: I remember realizing through my sports that as some of the older guys that I played with got slower, they seemed to play better! How could that be?! Faster is better right? Stronger is always better right? I guess not or those old farts couldn’t possibly be getting better? P.S. Old lacrosse farts – no disrespect, apparently I am one of you now! What I realized is that they were slowing down but that gave them the ability to stay present, think things through and make better decisions. They would recognize the benefits of good decisions but they’d also learned to avoid the pain of making bad decisions on the ice or the turf.

This week’s goal: Make an updated “life mission statement” that outlines who I want to be and then start to work backwards from there. Treat myself like a business plan and put the time into the details just like I would if I were hoping to start a new successful business. I plan to slow down and think this one through because if it were a business and I did a half-ass job, ignoring the details, would I really expect it to be a success?

Embracing being an old(er) fart that makes better plays,

JM

Happy Birthday Mom and an update…

Oct 18^th – I have now moved back home from the hospital and all is moving along nicely. Mostly, I am just trying to get the hang of normal life again. My mom Connie, and Jennifer’s mother Sally, have stayed with us up until this point and the help has been appreciated more than they know. There is no question that we take our family for granted and it is as times like these, when we need them the most, that we get a reality check.

So, today of all days, I want to make sure that I say a big “Happy Birthday” to my mom!!! My mom has really been missing my Dad, her dog Duke and her daughter and her grandkids Ian, Cam and Eoin. She doesn’t say it too much (because she doesn’t want to burden me with it) but I know it. My Dad is at home in Port Elgin now, holding down the fort and he is missing her equally as much. Parents really do “whatever they have to do” when the $h&% hits the fan. Anyway, thank you very much to my family. If it is any consolation, I am taking notes for when my kids need me in the way that we have needed them recently. I hope that we live up to how selflessly supportive they have been over the last five weeks. Mom - Jenny, Wyatt and I will do our best to make your day special today, even if you are away from home!

As for me, here is the latest…

• · I am almost back to normal with my walking at the start of the day, but as the day wears on me, I get a bit of a limp and hobble around as I tighten up and get sore. No cane or wheelchair though!!!
• · We were approved for a home therapy service called Rehab Without Walls and with that comes 15 hours per week of occupational and physical therapy at the house.
• · I still can’t drive but I went to the bank yesterday and then to Home Depot as part of my daily “get the hell out of the house” and it was fine. Although I’m moving at a slower pace and whooped by the time I get home, I am able to do what I need.
• · Still having migraine headaches. I have had a day and a half without them, which was nice, but other than that it has been 12 days now. God of Migraine Headaches…. If you’re listening, I hear you and respect you now so CUT ME SOME SLACK WOULD YA?!!
• · Sometime in the next couple of weeks I’ll be able to get back to working part-time from home. I need to get my stamina up and get through normal life first – but I will look forward to getting back to work. Although, I am starting to fear the mountain of catch up that will be waiting for me. Thanks to STX though for being so understanding through this situation
• · I can pick up Wyatt and can play pretty well with him. I am actually using him for therapy – lifting him up like a 30 lb weight above my head. The laughter I get is the best therapy of all.
• · I can make a meal and do some of the housework and the goal is to be able to do it all by the time Olivia comes on November 24^th, 2009

I think that is all for now. I have some other posts that are almost ready to go up by I’m going to focus on my mom today for her birthday and then I’ll put up some other stuff tomorrow.

Thanks again for all of your support and the emails – I couldn’t have done it without you.

JM

Leaving Rehab - Oct 14th, 2009

This is just a quick not with some of my feelings on the morning that I was to leave the Hospital. It was a roller coaster of a day but when I put the videos up of Wyatt welcoming me home, you'll understand as clearly as I did that Home is the only place to be.

Then there is this one... .so cute, what a great little kid! he had everyone in tears.

Check out the huge hugs! Those are a cure for anything.

Thanks All, I'll be updating again soon but the continued support is really amazing.

JM

The "Comeback Trail" is Never Downhill

In the history of the mankind, there has never been a comeback trail that was downhill. Why should mine be any different?

15 steps = 5.7 miles

This morning I am challenging myself to accomplish 15 steps with moderate help from my Physical Therapist and no walking device (cane or crutches). It is Monday AM October 5th, 2009 all of my friends and family are headed off to work like any other Monday. A couple of my friends are in a charity golf tournament today in Los Gatos. Another friend was flying to Disneyland with her daughter to visit what they call the greatest place on Earth. I thought they were referring to the hallway just outside my door as that is the place that I am relearning to walk and my get my much desired freedom back.

Mondays are for Moaning and Groaning, shaking off the weekend, and looking up hill at the week ahead of us. I’m not taking that approach today. How possibly could groaning about it make the week ahead of me any better?

I have the most beautiful view out of my window at the rehab hospital (I'll try to get a picture to post). Accompanying that beauty is a Vente Double shot of irony, dry. I have an incredible view of the Los Gatos Mountains (which I am thankful for), however, it is that same mountain that just three and a half weeks ago I would hike to burn off some pounds and get ready for the upcoming Lacrosse season. 5.7 miles total trail 3.0 up and 2.7 down the back side, 40 minutes of hard but fun work. A good sweat. About 10-12 songs worth of I pod time. A ton of great fresh air, And a little bit of sunshine on the skin to go with it.

There will be no hiking today. Well maybe? I will be hiking my ass out of this wheelchair and into the hall for my work out! No sunshine, fluorescent lights. No fresh air, just hospital smell. No I pod, just gentle reminders to balance, breath, relax etc. from my incredible rehabilitation staff. No mountains, just a mountain of work.

They say there are about 2000 steps in a mile, therefore, I would normally walk about 11400 steps or so on my hikes up the Mountain. So each proud, difficult, wobbly step this morning will be the equivalent of 760 steps 3 weeks ago.

It's all relative.

Love you all,
JM